I'm sitting here staring at my beautiful, growing son and realizing how happy I am. I never thought I would be a mommy, let alone so happy being one. Before I met my husband I swore I would never have kids. I was afraid of SO much! Most of all being a horrible selfish parent. I was afraid that i would never overcome issues, insecurities, and unhappiness and that it would be a horrible to make a decision to have kids under those circumstances. 

When I met my husband he made me the happiest I've ever been and showed me what love was, and things I can over come and be. He gave me faith in myself, in life and now my wonderful adorable son. Together they have made me so happy and proved me wrong. I am already a better mommy than I thought I could ever be and its only the beginning. I have no doubt that I will keep proving me self wrong and continue to be a great mommy. I already know that Ive over-come my selfishness because my priority in every situation is my son and it will be forever. 

On and off lately I've been so hurt by my brother. When we were younger we weren't close at all. As a matter of fact we were at each others throats a lot, literally. When I moved out and got my own place and grew up things changed. I wanted to be around him and appreciated him as my brother. When I was younger I NEVER hugged him and not too long after I moved out I gave him a hug and he gave me a hard time for it. That was just an example of close we weren't. 

Anyway, Im not really close to my mom either and because of that I feel like I grew of attachment to my brother. I think its because he's the only who knows where I come from and what I've been through. He's the only one I don't feel judged by or don't feel like I have to explain why I rarely talk to her. When people ask about her and I say im not really sure, people wonder "wow, how can you not talk to your mom?" It sucks because obviously I don't wanna tell them my whole life story. Well, since my attachment has grown stronger and stronger over the years especially since I gave birth to my beautiful son I've also grown sensitive to his actions. He doesn't always reply to my texts and i don't feel like he makes a great effort to keep me in his life or be in my sons life, which hurts greatly. My son has many uncles but my brother is the only uncle by blood. Out of my whole family he is the one person that I really truly care if he's in my sons life. 

I know he's busy, he's a guy, and he lives in Santa Cruz but I am the only family member he has this close and is somewhat normal. lol. I just thought we would be more of a priority. I've tried writing him an email expressing my feelings cuz me and him aren't good with emotions and things like this but nothing really changed. He said he was sorry and made one effort than that was it. I have never told him this but without him I feel alone. I feel alone because i don't feel I have anyone in my family. I would never tell him that because I feel like it would be too much pressure. I just want him there, not all the time or anything but on holidays, birthdays, and random days just to hang out. I want him to want to be around his nephew, his only sister,  only family member around, and only person who came from the same dysfunctional family. I feel like we get each other and understand why we are the way we are. I just don't want him to be yet another family member I have to give up on being in my life. 

We've lived in our current place for almost two years now and the whole time we have had trouble with our neighbors. I mean not face to face or anything but they are always loud and we can always count on something going on there. From pot smoking and smells, loud noises, and couples or siblings arguing. When they argue its loud with a lot of profanities. 

Now that I have a baby its a lot more annoying. I could take it before or even be amused by it but now its waking up the baby or disrupting the baby. its not just during the day its all hours of the night. I don't even know what to do... I mean do I really wanna have a confrontation with these people??? Do I really wanna have problems with my neighbors?? But seriously I not only have to listen to them and their loud antics but I have to smell them. Smell their pot & cigarette smoke and dog shit thats piling up in their back patio. Obviously smell travels so we're hit with it every time we come and go in our car. I really don't wanna smell it nor do I want my nine month old to smell it. 

I don't even know what to do but right now I think our plan will be to grin and bear and hope we can get out of here asap though it looks like we'll at least be here till March 2014. =(